Fragile Bonds Read online

  “I want to go to on a cruise,” Alyssa says quietly. I look at her and see her worrying her lip. The action is so out of character for her I want to dig deeper, to understand what’s going on.

  “Okay?” Hell, it’s February in Wisconsin, I think we all want to go on a cruise by this point. But I don’t think her request is coming from a desire to escape the bitterly cold shades of gray that have taken over the landscape.

  “We always said that once Jacob was a bit older, we were going to take a Disney cruise. I don’t want to miss that trip.” Turning to face Alyssa, I see a tear rolling down her cheek. She has been so brave, at least in the time since I’ve met her, but it appears there is finally a crack in her veneer. I have no clue how we’re going to get Xavier on board with this one, but as I have too many times in recent months, I vow to do everything I can to make the end of her life as full as possible.

  Xavier’s plane lands in less than an hour. The part of me that never stopped loving him physically hurts right now, knowing the news that he’s about to receive. Alyssa has somehow fortified the walls around her emotions once again, reminding me that we all knew this was coming. At this point, I feel as if I’m taking the news that her cancer has spread harder than she is.

  “What did you expect, Mel?” she asks me as she stirs the homemade spaghetti sauce she’s been slaving over most of the day. I’ve learned that cooking is her outlet, even if she rarely eats, so I didn’t hesitate when she asked me to stop at the store on our way home. “The reason you’re here is because I’m dying. It’s not like you’re some sort miracle worker brought in to do what some of the best doctors in the country weren’t able to do.”

  “I get that, but you have to be feeling something,” I press. She needs to get this out of her system before Braydon brings Jacob home. Since Christmas, he’s been more of a fixture in the house, helping with Jacob whenever Xavier is out of town. “I understand why you don’t want Xavier and Jacob to see what you’re really feeling, but this is me. I’ve been down this road before.”

  I jump at the sound of Alyssa slamming the wooden spoon onto the stove. Looking over at her, I finally see something other than indifference in her eyes. “You want to know what I’m feeling? Fine, here goes,” she shouts. Even if I’m not looking forward to what she’s going to say, I’m inwardly happy to know that she’s not bottling it up anymore. “I’m fucking pissed off. I can’t fucking believe that after more than two years of treatments that left me sick, bald and twenty pounds underweight, it was all for nothing! I hate the fact that I’m not going to get to see my baby boy grow up! I want to find someone to beat the shit out of because, maybe then, I could let go of the fucking anger that’s eating away at me as much as the cancer.”

  She’s slamming cabinet doors, shaking the dishes inside. If she had been in denial about what is happening, there’s no doubt she’s moved into the anger stage now. I stay in my chair, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire as she very forcefully pulls the rest of the ingredients for dinner out of the fridge.

  “But you know why I don’t talk about any of that?” She slams a knife on the counter and turns to look at me as she continues her tirade. “Because it’s not going to change a fucking thing. So, I’m trying to dig deep down and find that silver fucking lining everyone talks about.”

  Her head falls as she grips the edge of the counter, the anger finally out of her system, at least for now. Rushing to her side, I pull her into my arms as she cries. If she was anyone else, I would have considered this outburst healthy, but because I’ve let myself get close, I want to kick my own ass for pushing her so far. She’s hurting and I caused that pain.

  “Mommy, what’s wrong?” a little voice asks. I look up to see Braydon closing the front door as Jacob runs down the front hall, leaving a trail of wet snow in his wake. I grab some towels to clean it up so Xavier won’t freak about something so minor when he walks in the door.

  “How did it go?” Braydon asks as he takes off his boots. I can’t tell him. Not only is it not my place, I won’t be able to keep my own emotions in check if I talk about it. Instead, I pay more attention than necessary to wiping up the small, snowy boot prints. “Mel, look at me.”

  I shake my head, wishing for the millionth time that this was just another random family. When I was in college, I worked for Braydon. He knows which buttons to push to get what he wants from me almost as well as his brother. His fingers are cold as he places them under my chin, lifting my gaze to meet his. The dip of his Adam’s apple tells me I need to work on my poker face before Xavier gets home, unless I want to hide out in Jacob’s room until he and Alyssa have a chance to talk.

  “How bad is it?” Braydon asks, hugging me tightly. After he got over the initial shock of seeing me back in the house, he started warming up to me a bit. He’s become a sort of life preserver for me because I’ve been carefully avoiding talking to Stacey about anything related to work since November. Until I figure out a way to tell her that I’m working for Xavier without watching the top of her head blow off, Braydon is the only person I can talk to about how hard this situation has become for me.

  “It’s not good, Bray,” I whisper, looking up to see Alyssa watching us. Jacob is now sitting on the kitchen counter helping her with dinner. She winks at me and I shake my head. While she’s no longer relentless when it comes to her wanting to see Braydon and me get together, I get the feeling it’s something she still hopes for. “It’s spreading. They won’t give a timeframe, but it’s really, really bad. Can you stay for dinner?”

  “Of course,” Braydon says without hesitation. Hearing Alyssa talking to Jacob about how she sometimes gets sad because she hates being sick all the time, I pull him into the living room. Before I can figure out something to talk about, he starts speaking. “I need to apologize to you, Mel.”

  We’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch, both turned toward the center. It reminds me of so many nights in the past, when Braydon would sit with me when Xavier was out of town for work. I push back the thoughts, desperate to keep the past locked away where it belongs.

  “Look, we’ve already done this,” I sigh. Christmas Eve was a misunderstanding. While it still bothers me that Braydon believes I abandoned his brother, I don’t see any point in reliving the past. Braydon and I were close at one time, so I would rather he think less of me than be upset with his brother for how we parted ways. “You jumped to conclusions and it bit you in the ass. Can’t we leave it at that?”

  I glance into the kitchen, relieved that Alyssa is still blissfully ignorant to the turn our conversation has taken. I need to talk to Xavier and figure out how we tell her about the past because it’s eating me alive at this point. Every time she talks about Xavier and me in the same sentence, I want to blurt out the truth, just to get it out there. She might hate me, but at least then I wouldn’t be lying to her any longer.

  “No, I don’t think we can,” he says, matter-of-factly. I focus on him, trying to figure out why this is so important to him. “When you left, Xavier fell apart. And seeing as you left me a voicemail saying you weren’t going to be able to work for me anymore, I assumed it was your decision. You disappeared on us.”

  “Braydon--”

  “Don’t. I need to get this out.” There’s a strange hint of desperation in his tone. “Xavier isn’t the only one who lost you when you left.”

  “I didn’t--”

  Braydon presses his index finger against my lips, hard, to silence me, keeping it there as he continues talking, ensuring that I won’t. “You weren’t just an employee or my brother’s girlfriend. You were my family, too. And you left.”

  I pull his hand away from my face, refusing to listen to him insisting that I was the one who walked out. I didn’t want to leave, Xavier told me he needed time to think. And then I got a letter from him saying that we couldn’t be together again because he couldn’t trust me. What was I supposed to do?

  “Braydon, I get that you wanted to look out for
your brother, but I didn’t leave him. I--”

  This time, Braydon’s full hand covers my mouth. Apparently, he wants me to hear him out. “Some things never change, do they?” he says, the slightest chuckle escaping his lips. “You never were good at keeping your mouth shut while someone talked, were you?” I shake my head, knowing he’s right. It’s a skill I’ve worked on over the years, but the Melanie that he knew was notorious for making sure her voice was heard, even if it meant trampling on someone else’s words.

  “As I was saying, I owe you an apology. It wasn’t until last month that I knew what really happened between the two of you.” My eyes grow wide as he speaks. Xavier and I haven’t talked about that time in our lives, so it surprises me to hear that he’s talked to Braydon about it. “I know now that you didn’t leave, so I’m sorry for the shit I spewed at you on Christmas Eve. You didn’t deserve that.”

  I bite my tongue, acknowledging him with a simple nod. There are so many things I would like to say, but I’m determined to prove to Braydon that I can listen.

  “But I need you to promise me something. If anything like that happens again, talk to me. I’m not mad at you for bailing on me, but I will be if you do it again.” His voice softens, and I feel the bond between us strengthen. I don’t have to look at Braydon and chide myself for how I quit my job at Artemis. He understands it.

  When Braydon lets his hand drop from my mouth, I nearly lunge at him, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. He laughs, returning my embrace. “Something you two need to tell me?”

  I jump back at the sound of Xavier’s voice. Before I can fully retreat to my side of the couch, I look up and see that his remark has drawn Alyssa’s attention as well. I bury my face in my hands, hoping to hide how embarrassed I am by what both of them think they just saw.

  “It’s about time,” Alyssa laughs, confirming that she is completely off-base. I dare to peek through my fingers to see Xavier glaring at his brother.

  I can’t help but notice the subtle glances flying between Melanie and Braydon as they clear away the dishes after dinner. I have no right to be upset, but walking into my own home and seeing the two of them cozy on my couch was almost enough to throw my brother out by the front of his shirt. But I couldn’t because that would have raised questions in Alyssa’s mind. Questions that are better left unanswered. In order to protect my wife from undue stress, and from feelings of betrayal because we’ve kept this from her for over three months, I’ve stayed silent. Alyssa reaches for my hand when I get up to ask Braydon what he thinks he’s doing.

  “I need to talk to you,” she says, her eyes looking everywhere but in my direction. I take a seat, sliding my chair closer to her. It hasn’t gone unnoticed that both she and Melanie have ducked any opportunity to talk about Alyssa’s appointment today. I close my eyes, steeling myself for what’s to come. “Before you say no, you need to hear me out. Can you promise me that?”

  Now, I’m totally confused, but I suppose it could be worse. “Sure,” I say with a shrug.

  “I went online this afternoon and booked a cruise for the family.” The doctors warned us that there might come a time when Alyssa experienced bouts of confusion, but this is ridiculous!

  “What do you mean you booked a cruise?” I ask, trying very hard to stay calm. I am the idiot who told her I would listen to what she had to say. Had I known it involved spending thousands of dollars on a trip we can’t possibly take, I might not have been so quick to agree.

  “Do you remember how we always said we were going to take Jacob on a Disney cruise when he got older?” she asks softly. Tears fill her crystalline eyes as she regains her composure. We might be talking about cruises right now, but I know damn well that’s not what has her choked up. “If we don’t go now, I won’t be there when you take him. So, I booked it when we got home. We leave two weeks from today.”

  “Alyssa, I love you, but there is no way we can make this trip. What happens if you get sicker?” I feel as if I’ve been punched in the stomach. And then kicked in the kidneys. I don’t want to tell her that we can’t do this because it’s something she’s been talking about since Jacob was two and developed an obsession for boats.

  “They have medical facilities on board,” she informs me. I watch as my wife sits a bit straighter, pushing her shoulders back. “Melanie and I looked into it this afternoon. I will need my passport in case I have to be evacuated, but those are all in the safe. It’s no different than if we were going on any other trip.”

  “Melanie helped you plan this?” I look into the kitchen and see Braydon and Melanie sitting on the counter looking at something on his phone. I’ll deal with her later because if I call her in right now, I have no doubt she will team up with Alyssa and there will be no way of talking her out of this ludicrous idea. “Look, Alyssa, I know how much you’ve always wanted a Disney trip. And I know we said we would go when Jacob was older, but--”

  “NO!” Alyssa bolts out of her chair, placing her hands on my shoulders. “You are not going to take this away from me. I’m dying, Xavier! Don’t you get that? I want to go on this trip because I’ll be lucky to be here two months from now. Every fucking day, I wake up wondering if it’s the day I start feeling worse. I. Don’t. Have. Time.”

  In the five years I’ve known her, Alyssa has never gotten in my face the way she is now. There’s no way she’s going to let this go. “I don’t think this is a good idea, Al, but if Melanie walks me through everything I need to do for you while we’re gone and I know exactly what happens in different situations, we’ll go.”

  “Why would Melanie go to all that trouble?” Satisfied that she’s getting her way, Alyssa sits back down, reaching for my hand.

  “So I can take care of you,” I say, brushing my fingers along her cheek. “I can’t go into this trip unprepared. I don’t want to do it at all, but you’ll probably sneak off without me if I refuse.”

  Alyssa bites back the smile threatening to split her face in half. “We booked a room big enough for all four of us. I know it’s supposed to be a family trip, but Mel is like family at this point. Plus, having her with us will give you some peace of mind when it comes to keeping track of Jacob and me.”

  I lean back in my chair as Alyssa tells me all about the four nights we’re going to spend between Florida and the Bahamas. By the time she’s finished, it’s impossible to keep from getting excited. I’ll worry every second from the time we leave until the time we get home, but the smile on her face will be worth it.

  Chapter 6

  Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any weirder, it did. I’m not sure what I was expecting for our stateroom, but this surely wasn’t it. It’s day two of sharing a tiny room with my wife, four year-old son, and the woman I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And just in case that wasn’t enough to take the gold medal in the awkward moment Olympics, Alyssa is pushing for me to spend part of tomorrow with Melanie.

  “This is supposed to be a family trip,” I remind Alyssa as I get Jacob ready for bed. With the exception of late last night and a few hours this afternoon, Melanie has been nowhere to be found. Since Alyssa has been careful to not over-exert herself, Melanie figured we would be fine without her. What she fails to realize is that all of us are becoming dependent on her presence, not just Alyssa.

  “And it is, but I know you love to get out and sightsee and I’m not up for that. Plus, it will give me a bit of time with Jacob.” She sits on the edge of the bottom bunk, pulling one of his favorite bedtime stories out of the suitcase. These are things I worry about when she’s gone. If it was just us guys going on a trip, I never would have thought to bring books or toys to keep him occupied on the flight down here. No matter how much Alyssa assures me I’ll be great at being a single parent, I have my doubts. And isn’t it completely screwed up that she’s the one talking me down from an emotional cliff?

  “Okay, but how, exactly, is that taking time as a family? If you’re with him and I’m off with you
r hospice nurse that seems to be the exact opposite of what this trip was supposed to be.”

  “We had all day today and we’ll have from the time we get back on the boat tomorrow night until we get back to Miami. Please, let me have a little bit of mommy and son time with him.” Alyssa’s sitting on the bed, her knees pulled tight to her chest. Seeing the way her t-shirt hangs off the sharp lines of her too-thin frame, it’s impossible to deny that she’s getting worse. I held her in my arms as we slept for the first time in months last night and I almost broke down in tears. Hopefully, tonight I will be able to enjoy a night with my wife without worrying that I will hurt her if I roll over in my sleep.

  “Okay,” I whisper in her ear as I pull back the blankets. She lays down, rolling on her side to face me. “If that’s what you need, we’ll do our own thing tomorrow. But as soon as we’re back on the boat, no more splitting up. Deal?”

  “Deal.” Alyssa scoots closer to me, resting in the crook of my arm. I turn out the light, wondering if either of us will wind up sleeping tonight.

  With Alyssa and Jacob safely aboard a seventy-foot glass bottomed yacht, Melanie and I wind our way through the streets of Nassau. Like me, she wasn’t thrilled at the idea of spending the day with me, but for different reasons. After months of doing everything possible to avoid being alone with me at any time, she has essentially been left with no choice.

  There are times I look at the world around me, wondering how it is that people can be so happy when there’s so much pain in the world. This morning, I’m feeling particularly gruff, wanting to scream at the people laughing as they walk down the streets of downtown Nassau. They’re able to act as if they don’t have a care in the world while my mind is still back at the yacht. Jacob has the benefit of childhood innocence. He was bouncing around, excited that he was going on another boat, this time to spend time with his mommy. He has no fucking clue that she begged and cried for this time alone with him, knowing it’s the last time she will have to create such memories.